My Life?

The title really says it all..."My Life?" What it fails to depict, is whats going on in my life. I wrote this blog because it was a way to tell someone whats going on, without really having to tell anyone at all. Its my way of venting, and ranting. My way to express myself, even though no one else ever sees it. Sometimes I wish my blog was like the one featured on MTV's hit show "Awkward." Everyone read Jenna's blog, her voice was making a difference. Although to what extent, it didn't really go well for her. So in that aspect I'm grateful no one reads it. But then again, why does no one read it? How can I make a difference, if no one can hear me? How can I make my voice heard, if no one is listening?

College Life.

College to other kids...to most kids is a way to get far from their parents, and gives them a place to party. For me, that's not the case. I came to college not intending on partying, and still living at home. So, what was college for me? I thought it was the next step in life. That after High School, the next thing you do is go to College. People talk about it all the time. They say how hard it is, and how it's an experience like no other. Don't get me wrong, I've only been here for 3 weeks...but what I can say from those three weeks is that the struggles I thought I'd be having are nothing compared to the real thing. I thought my worries would consist of: Stress, Schedule Confusion, Time Managment, and New people. Trust me all of those have and will most likely continue to be some of my struggles. But there are things I did anticipate. Things like learning the library, teaching myself math, and staying awake in class. In my first three weeks I have succussfully forgotten names, people watched, Facebooked people (instead of actuallly making friends), found the busines lab, and had a very uncomfortable car ride experience...not to mention the nude profile picture incident. I know that new struggles will apear as I furthur my JSC adventure. I just hope I make it out of this a licensed teacher, so that I can say and mean it when I do that "It was ALL worth it." I have no idea what the future holds, other then the 4 page essay, 1st draft outline, and seemingly undoable math packet due next week. SO, there ya go folks...the life of a College Freshman.

...Sunday, then Monday, and now Tuesday

To be honest I'm just like WTF? That's whats running through my mind right now. What the fuck?! You've been gone for like two weeks now, yeah you came back briefly but that's just the problem it was brief. You were here one day and gone the next. You say you miss me. But when your on the phone you leave to go paint and fish and watch a movie. I feel like if you really missed me as much as you say you miss me, that you wouldn't leave to do other things so often. I mean your doing things, while I'm stuck here in Lamoille County doing what? Nothing! Because there is absolutely nothing to do here. And the worst part is you keep tacking on days. First your coming back Sunday, then Monday, and now Tuesday. You keep getting my hopes up. I should be seeing you tomorrow, but instead I get to wait another two days. Seriously, I think I've had to much time to think and it's causing me to go a little nuts. I just don't get it. You say all this nice stuff, but your not HERE. Which is where I need you. I need and want you here, or somewhere remotely close to "here". There are what like 19 days till school starts. And then how often will we see each other..once? Twice a week? I guess it's good that I get used to it now, its just I don't want to. I know that's selfish of me, but you've been gone for so long. I don't know how people do it, live without the one they love for so damn long! Props to you guys...

The "Fear"

Every bodies got that one irrational fear. The fear you know you shouldn't have, but can't seem to shake. Well, rather then talk about my own...I'm going to talk about his. Last night, while talking on the phone he surprises me with the craziest thing. His "fear". I know what your all thinking, a fear is a fear and non can be irrational or pig headed. But everything can be looked at from more than one point of view. And this is mine. He thrusts upon me this theory. He's got it in his head that since I'm going to college I'm going to up and leave him for another guy. I get how thins could be a fear. But if you knew our relationship it may not seem like a very rational one. We are closer then two peas in a pod. I believe your put on this earth with a match, like a puzzle piece.Someone who is perfect for you, because you're a pair. You just have to find your other half. For some people it may take years and for others its a simple as snapping your fingers. And in all honesty I truly believe I've found him, my perfect match. But he still has this fear, and I can't understand why. He thinks I'm going to meet someone who I will like more than I like him. Which is impossible. You can't like someone more than the love of your life. I've tried explaining to him that I've already met that person. The person who I will like (love) more than anyone in the world. Well, besides my family. But that's a different kind of love. The love I have for him is a love I never expected to have. One I wouldn't throw away on a college guy.A love I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. To be honest, college kids scare the living shit out of me. I know it's crazy, considering in less than 20 day's I'll be one. But still his theory is way off base. I get why people are afraid of spiders, and heights, and even the dark. But to be afraid of something that is all in your head, I just don't get it. Say what you want. But when you know, you know. And I may be young, but I know I've met the person I want to spend the rest of my life...my perfect match. So, I just wish he would stop obsessing.

Upcoming Freshman Probs

Next year I'll be in college and for most kids that's like the jack pot. You get to leave your parents, become independent, meet new people, and enjoy life. College is a time for fun and hazy decisions. But while most are worried about if there's going to be a cute guy down the hall from their room, or which microwave to get. I have a whole different set of problems to worry about.

I have really high anxiety around people I'm not familiar with, and places I'm not comfortable at. And sometimes it poses a problem. I don't take any medication, because I'm trying to work through it myself. Although it does keep me from doing things like go to the movies or taking my driving test, or even getting a job.

I have made the courageous decision to live on campus even though the option to stay at home was on the table. I know what your thinking, Why would you want to stay at home when you could live on your own? But for me my house is a safety net, its a comfort zone. I know that living on campus is going to spike my anxiety, and make college more expensive. But like I said before my anxiety is something I'm trying to work through, so I have to make adjustments that take me out of my comfort zone. I'm going to be surrounded by people I don't know, and I'd like to be able to make friends and be normal. But I hardly have friends now, and I've been going to the same school for 6 years.

I'm the awkward kid, the one that sits in the corner with her headphones blasting. I'm not saying I don't have any friends, because I do. And to the people I'm comfortable around I'm talkative, and fun. But if I'm not comfortable then I'm quite and awkward which if you haven't noticed is really hard to get to know. How do you become close with someone who doesn't talk? I don't have many expectations for next year. I know that if I don't put myself out there, then I can't really expect anything from someone.

My mom tells me all the time that I need to get out there. So, I'm going to make a big effort to get over my anxiety before college even starts. This summer I'm going to get my license and a job and hopefully have a life. I'm done with being the awkward girl. I don't tell many people I have anxiety issues because most people think I'm just using it as an excuse or a sympathy thing. But I'm not, it's an actual problem I face. One I really want to work through. I want to crack out of this shell and live a little.